Rejection reflection
I recently read Jia Jiang’s memoir Rejection Proof, which is an inspiring reflection on his 100 Days of Rejection Therapy project. He intentionally sets out to get rejected for 100 days in order to build up his confidence and manage his fear around rejection.
Maybe you remember reading an article of him making a welcome announcement onboard a Southwest Airlines plane (this was my introduction to Jia) or watching a viral video of him asking a Krispy Kreme employee to make him a customized Olympic rings donut.
Jia’s book is entertaining (there are some wild requests!) and inspiring (wow look at his courage!) but most importantly, it is extremely relatable. How often have I let my fear of rejection hold me back for asking for what I want or pursuing my dreams? And sure, I manage this fear a lot better now as a woman in her early thirties, but I do look back on my twenties and wonder where might I be had I not been so afraid of what people might think of me.
The fear of rejection is one that is especially relevant, and becoming increasingly prevalent, as I begin my job search and build a new community in a country on the opposite side of the world. Being told no sucks and being not told anything, which is basically a no, sucks even more. It’s hard to remember that rejection isn’t personal — well, at least 99% of the time.
Jia’s Rejection #27 was soliciting money on the street, specifically standing at a busy Austin intersection as a panhandler, holding up a sign asking strangers for money to donate to a local food bank. This type of rejection attempts were the hardest because they were very public, where he opened himself to the possibility of being rejected by the masses rather than just one person. He shares:
“I saw the world the the way a panhandler would view it every day, with cars driving by and stopping at the red light, their drivers seeing me through their windshields, making quick judgments, and usually lowering their heads to avoid eye contact. It was silent rejection by the masses…
I felt trapped between wanting to draw people’s attention and hoping to avoid their judgment. It felt impossibly painful. I resorted to all types of coping techniques to get through it — talking to myself, trying to hold a big smile, and imagining what the donations I got could do for hungry people, who otherwise might have to do this themselves.”
Last summer while living in France I faced a dilemma trying to get home. The chateau I’d visited had limited public transport options. My options to return home were to A) wait an hour to take a train to the stop closest to home and then walk the remaining 1h 40 min or B) wait three hours to take the train that went directly home but be bored, tired, and hot while waiting for the train. Both options sounded like shit so I went for option C) hitchhike and see if some kind soul would take pity on me.
Despite having hitchhiked in the remoteness of Kyrgyzstan and in the mountains of New Zealand, I could feel myself feeling uncertain about my decision — what would people think of me?!
At first I was very nervous: Can I even hitchhike? (Well duh you can - all you do is hold out your thumb and anyone can do that!)
My first attempt was timid: I barely extended my arm out and flattened my thumb in an attempt to make my hitchhiking attempt less subtle, then realized that this was in exact opposite of my goal to get home, so my arm straightened and my thumb emerged from its cave.
Several cars drove by. Some drivers pretended they couldn’t see me. Other drivers saw me and then quickly looked away, trying to avoid eye contact. One English-speaking couple stopped and offer to help out but when it turned out we were headed in opposite directions, they continued on - I was grateful that they stopped regardless.
After several minutes I moved farther down the road to get a more optimal spot (location, location, location!). More cars whizzed by. Ten minutes passed. Some bikers across the road saw my attempts and wished me bon chance! (good luck) which bolstered my confidence to keep on trying (See? They didn’t think I was weird!). In that moment I realized what was holding me back was fear of how others might perceive me, so I knew I had to persist with my hitchhiking attempts — even if I didn’t catch a ride I needed to see this through, sit in the discomfort, in order to address and confront this fear.
A half hour passed. I walked into the local visitor’s center to see if they could get me a taxi, but none were available for the next forty minutes. The receptionist gave me a smile and encouraged me to keep on trying so I went back outside. As cars drove by I’d smile and wave. I’d make up funny scripts in my head of what the drivers were saying. I’d imagine what I’d have for dinner later that day.
And then they began to come: A man stopped to see if we were headed in the same way (no), a woman with two kids inquired where I was going (different directions), and then finally - hallelujah! - a French family rolled down their window and asked if they could help. A train station close to home was along the way for them, so they told me to hop in!
We chatted in broken French (me) and broken English (them) about our respective trips (them on a short family holiday; me on a working holiday) and briefly brushed politics (the dad laughed in relief when I said I was from New York: “good, that means you’re a Democrat!). Once we arrived to the train station, they were kind enough to walk me to the tracks to ensure the train would actually stop there since the station itself wasn’t open. They refused my offer of cash and said it wasn’t necessary, then left with kind smiles and waves.
As I sat in the train, I thought back to my successful hitchhiking attempt. I did something that required me to advocate and stick up for myself, to push beyond my comfort zone and reclaim my confidence - hell yes I was proud of myself!
In this hitchhiking attempt I’d experienced firsthand what Jia shares in his book as the most important lessons he learned about rejection:
Rejection is human. Neither rejection nor acceptance is the objective truth about the merit of an idea. Just because the first several drivers didn’t stop didn’t mean that hitchhiking was a bad idea. In fact I had people encouraging me to continue to stick my thumb out!
Rejection is an opinion. It reflects the rejector more than the rejectee. Some drivers couldn’t meet my eyes. Some drivers gave a sheepish shrug before driving away. Some drivers mouthed “sorry” as they passed by.
Rejection has a number. The more drivers who saw me with my thumb out, the higher odds that someone would stop by and ask where I was going, and the higher odds someone would be going in the same direction.
In my job search, I’ve forgotten about these lessons and fallen back into several bad habits. When I was rejected or ghosted, I thought it was a reflection of me and my worth (false). Procrastinating at reaching out to potential contacts and applying for jobs was really just fear of being rejected (see above). But really, as Jia muses at the end of his book, what I need isn’t acceptance of others but acceptance from myself. Rejection isn’t something to be afraid of because how can you be rejected if you already accept yourself?
Wise words that have yet to penetrate through the invisible blanket of fear that’s still wrapped around me, though after finishing Rejection Proof the fear is a singular layer rather than a massive cocoon. If I can go get rejected hitchhiking, then I sure as hell can go get rejected job searching.
Visiting Chenonceaux before attempting to hitchhike back home.