What is identity?
Musings from Central Asia
identity | iden•ti•ty
noun
Merriam-Webster
1a. the distinguishing character or personality of an individual : INDIVIDUALITY
1b. the relation established by psychological identification
Oxford Dictionary
1a. the fact of being who or what a person or thing is
1b. the characteristics determining who or what a person or thing is.
Musings from Central Asia
Everyone I meet, from locals to other travelers, has been asking me why I decided to visit Central Asia. Depending on my gut reaction to the person and whether or not I feel they can be trusted with my truth, my answer changes. Sometimes it’s about the history of the Silk Road and the legacy behind it (I feel like that’s “supposed” to be the “right” answer because of all the rich history here) and other times it’s because of the beautiful landscapes and hiking opportunities. Both are parts and pieces of the truth, but the real reason why I came to Central Asia is a bit deeper than that.
I’m a first generation American whose parents immigrated from Taiwan and whose grandparents are from China. I grew up feeling very much “other” - not American enough because I don’t look “American” (aka white) and not Chinese or Asian enough because I don’t speak my native language fluently. I never felt like I truly belonged to either community, and there are countless stories and memories where this starkly stands out. The one that breaks my heart is a self portrait I drew when I was a child, maybe sometime around 1st grade. The drawing hangs on the second floor of my childhood home and is framed with a beautiful golden bronze frame, likely because it won a prize at my Chinese school’s annual drawing competition. The drawing depicts me celebrating Chinese New Year, as I believe that was the prompt of the drawing contest, and illustrates all the many traditions of Chinese New Year - red envelopes, dragon dance, and of course the many foods consumed. But what is the most heartbreaking is the girl who is centered in the middle of the drawing. She’s wearing a qipao and has a big smile on her face as she dances across the page, but she’s a white child, blonde with blue eyes. It’s ironic that this girl is what won third place in a Chinese school contest.
Apparently I’ve always been fascinated by blonde hair. My mother loves telling a story of me as a toddler, running over to any girl with golden locks and wanting to tug it (tug it off?) and play with it, leaving her to run after me and apologize for her wayward child. I don’t remember this at all and I don’t remember why I did this, but looking back and reflecting on this incident knowing what I know now (and after years of therapy), I think it’s because I saw how white people were the ideal - the ideal standard of beauty and the ideal American - a blonde, blue-eyed, and white skinned person. As a result, I wanted to be like them, and I think that little girl growing up wanted to fit in and wanted to belong, so she desperately wanted to transform into a white girl.
At the same time, I never really felt like I belonged anywhere. This feeling emerged more as I grew older. There are a couple of memories that stand out that made me feel like this. It was the memory of going to school in North Carolina, a state with much less ethnic diversity than where I grew up, and yet not feeling like I could relate to or feel comfortable with the people who formed the Chinese or Asian Student Associations. It was the memory of backpacking across Europe and Asia and people assuming, rather than asking, that I was from [insert random Asian country that’s not China] and always getting it wrong and saying that I didn’t look Chinese but looked [insert that random Asian country']. It was the memory of traveling to countries outside of the US and locals being shocked that I could be American because I looked Asian. It was the memory of long car drives with family to Georgia (the US state) and being stared at because we were the only people who were not white or Black.
As a result, I’ve always struggled with my identity and where I belong, because it seems that neither community really embraces me. Among Americans and among the general worldwide community, I’m seen as Asian and people are shocked when an Asian-looking person can be American. Among Asians, it’s not always clear that I’m Chinese because of my tanned skin, and sometimes because of my facial features. Among Chinese, it’s puzzling that I can’t speak Mandarin fluently or it’s a ding on my person that I’m not Chinese but an American Chinese (usually said with a scoff or a sneer). Funnily enough, Taiwanese people seem to be most at ease with me and don’t question who I am - they just accept that I am me and move on. Maybe this is because they too have their own identity struggles because they too have complicated questions around nationality, ethnicity, and identity. More recently over the past decade, even I can be reluctant to identify myself as “Chinese” rather than just “Asian” because of the geopolitical issues and tensions between the US and China, and how China and the Chinese are often portrayed as the enemy or are given unfair stereotypes (greedy, loud, Communists, rude).
I dread when people ask “where are you from?” because 99.9% of the time the real question is “what are you?” (and sometimes that’s the actual question). As if I’m not a person who can be multi-dimensional but am relegated to a what rather than a human who. People normally aren’t satisfied with my truthful answer to “where are you from?” and often follow up with “no, but where are you really from?”. Sometimes it’s even the dreaded “but you don’t look [American/Chinese], so what are you?” or “are you sure you’re not from [insert Asian country]?”. This ends up being a rabbit hole of questioning that dregs up anger, frustration, and exhaustion because it further emphasizes the feeling that I don’t belong and that it’s impossible for me to just be, well, me.
Before I came to Central Asia, my perception of this region was that it was a blend, a harmony, of East and West. It sits between Europe and Asia and has connected the two continents for thousands of years, giving birth to the Silk Road and numerous trade routes that exchanged cultures and goods and connected multiple groups of people. It seemed that it’d be a harmonious mix of the Western and Eastern worlds, not just in culture, but also in people. I had heard that the some people looked white, some looked Russian, some looked Asian, and some looked a blend of Western and Eastern features. It seemed like a place where anyone could belong because it was composed of a multitude of people. If I’m honest with myself, I came to Central Asia to see if I’d finally find a place where I’d fit in and no one would question whether or not I belonged based on how I looked. I thought I’d feel at home with others who are a blend of East and West, and maybe I’d find a group of people who feel at home with their identities being a blend of the two cultures rather than being torn between the two and not knowing where they belong.
After being in Central Asia for several weeks, parts of this are true. I do see a diversity of people (note that I’ve rarely seen dark-skinned people, whether that means Arabic, Indian, African, or others, which in itself is a whole other conversation) who look like they can belong in the East or West. There are people whose facial features are distinctly Eastern European or Russian yet a large majority of people have features that hint to Asian ancestors. What I love is that most of the people look “ethnically ambiguous” in the sense that their features are definitely a mix of East and West. At first glance, it seemed like people living in Central Asian countries (specifically Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan because they are the only two that I’ve visited so far) wouldn’t have any sort of identity crisis because Central Asia is supposed to be a blend of multiple cultures - West, East, and Middle East.
However after talking with some locals, it seems like this isn’t the case. Kazakhs who have Asian features and are traveling outside of Central Asia are automatically assumed as Chinese (likely because China is the most well-known and biggest Asian country, so it’s easy for non-Asians to automatically relegate someone as Chinese because of course, every Asian person is from China). They too have to explain where they are from and who they are, that it is possible for someone Asian to not be from China, and that Central Asia is its own melting pot of ethnicities and diversity. In Kazakhstan, your ethnicity is also printed on your formal papers so you can’t just be Kazakh (examples of ethnicities include Russian, Korean, Tartar, and more). Additionally, the official languages of Kazakhstan are Kazakh and Russian - in fact, many of the Central Asian Stans have Russian as an official language as a legacy of the USSR - and the predominant language is often Russian. Many people may have grew up with Kazakh but have forgotten it as Russian has dominated. There’s also the legacy of the USSR and Soviet Union that subtly hangs over Central Asia - in some cases you could call it colonization. What does it mean to be Kazakh when your language isn’t the dominant language and when there is still subtle signs of discrimination between those who look Russian and those who look ethnically Kazakh? Then there’s also the Kazakhs who are ethnically Korean, as a result of their ancestors being forcibly relocated to Kazakhstan during the Soviet Era. They are Kazakhs but not seen as Kazakhs by everyone.
I (naively) thought I’d find an affinity with the people here - people who don’t look distinctly Western or Eastern but are a harmonious blend of the two, who are uniquely Central Asian, who are just themselves. I thought I’d finally find a group of people who could be both West and East and feel completely at ease because no one would question who they are or where they are from and just accept them as themselves.
Instead, I’ve found that people can still be questioned about their identity, who they are, and whether or not they belong. I don’t feel reassured, I just feel lost - I’ve been searching, perhaps my whole life, to find somewhere where I could belong, where it is okay to be a mix of cultures and be completely accepted, to find a country where you could be a blend of backgrounds and be completely accepted for who you are rather than judged for what you are. I thought that Central Asia would be where I’d find peace and finally find what I’ve been searching my whole life. Instead I’ve found people who can empathize with my struggles and are also searching for the same thing - an understanding of their identity and seeking to belong.
I don’t know if I’ll ever find a nirvana where you can be a blend of East and West and be completely accepted at face value. Maybe that place doesn’t exist. Maybe the answer is to just accept myself as who I am and that I don’t need to “belong” - my identity is as May, the human, and that is more than enough.
